Ah, beautiful autumn. Leaves have turned to warmer colors as the air has grown cooler, the pumpkin population is rising, and The Green looks like a quickly decaying corpse. Fall brings back so many great memories; I remember of jumping into and being engulfed by gargantuan piles of leaves and emerging screaming because bits of twig and foliage had latched onto my cornea like some sort of leafy lamprey. It's just a wonderful time of year.
I've always felt that everything is tastier in the fall. Think about it - a hot bowl of chili is so much more comforting just when the weather gets a bit nippy, turkey is never as delicious as on that fourth Thursday of November, and that Twix bar with a razor blade hidden inside of it is totally worth it on Halloween night. Heck, some of our editors here at the Collegian even eat some of the crispier leaves. Fall food is good food.
I can imagine the feast waiting for me when I return home for fall break: Hungry Jack mashed potatoes fresh out of the box; a nice TLT sandwich where the turkey is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe; and a large, shimmering ham on which someone thought it would be a good idea to place pineapples (haven't we had enough of these yet?). And who doesn't love the autumnal desserts? Cranberry sauce, yams, pumpkin pie - okay, I actually hate those. But there's banana pudding, Oreo pie, and any of the various candies still leftover from Halloween!
That's why a few weeks ago when I swore off sugar for a month, I made the biggest mistake of the season imaginable. One day after I had been inspired by a friend to take on the self-imposed challenge, I was informed that Halloween was this month (look, my calender called it "All Hallow's Eve," okay?). And imagine my surprise when I found out that soft drinks have sugar in them! Not only had I banned myself from the biggest candy night of the year, but I had also eliminated my primary source of fluids.
The next night was Trustees' open dorm. To keep myself from being tempted by the sugary delicacies that would no doubt be offered to entice unwitting females into our rooms, I went to an '80s party at UK (well, that's my excuse anyway). Sporting only the shortest of electric blue shorts, I arrived to find myself bombarded by so many forbidden fruits: Snickers and Kit-Kats and gummi bears, oh my! I sighed and grabbed a bottle of water.
After an exhausting three-hour session of not dancing, our group went to good ole Steak 'n Shake. I stood in all of my indecent glory as we waited to be seated (you ever feel like everyone in the room is staring at your... you know?), and remembered the pact I had made with myself as we made it to our table. "Yes, could I have a banana strawberry side-by-side shake without all the ice cream and stuff? Thanks." The waitress didn't seem to understand my needs. "You mean, like, just a banana and some strawberries? Sorry, I don't think we can do that," she informed me. Darn it. I really wanted that shake. "Do you have a steak-shake or something? Like just a blended up hamburger? Ooh! And some fries, too!"
After being declined my perfectly reasonable request, I had to sit complacently and watch everyone else slowly drink their delicious, creamy nectar. No one even finished their entire milkshake! Neither my tears nor saliva could quench my thirst for sugar. Will I even be sane when I receive that sweet release on November 7th? Only time will tell. But the road to Candy Land thus far has been paved with sweat and will power, not chocolate and caramel. After all, nobody said it would be a piece of cake.
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