The cafeteria here at Asbury generally offers up a wide selection of ice creams, from pineapple sherbet, to mint chocolate chip, to pineapple sherbet. Thanks to supplier Blue Bell Creameries, the Café features as many as three different flavors of ice cream daily. "But how do we choose from all of these ice creams," many cry out, "it all just looks so good!" Well, that's why I'm here, ladies and gents.
Yes, for the benefit of you, the reader, I ventured into the dark underworld of ice creams over the past week; the best flavors, the ones you want to stay far away from. It's all here thanks to science and hard-hitting, objective journalism. I gained four pounds this week - you're welcome.
Before we begin, however, it should be noted that I only judged flavors which have made an appearance in the cafeteria over a given week (my apologies to strawberry cheesecake) and based my decisions upon several criteria: flavor, texture, creaminess, how good it tastes, iciness, appearance, deliciousness, bouquet, and taste bud pleasingness. I then plugged my quantified scores into a sophisticated and nondisclosable formula, yielding our winners which will be awarded with an ice cream cone statuette, called an "Icee", in a ceremony appearing on Food Network.
Let us start off with The C-Student Award, for "The Best Average Flavor of Ice Cream"; this includes such normal flavors as vanilla and chocolate - you know, the real plain Janes of the ice cream world. There were only a pair of contenders this week as, in a head-to-head duel with strawberry, French vanilla emerged victorious. Both flavors were delicious, but the loser was just a little too excellent to take home the honor this time.
Next up is the Golden Pecan Award for "The Best Potentially Lethal Ice Cream." This category, admittedly, was a bit hard to judge considering I am allergic to pecans. This was made even worse by the fact that ice creams and their ingredients frequently go unlabeled, so on more than one occasion I didn't have my EpiPen handy when trying a new flavor housing a hidden pecan and almost died. Unfortunately for me, this category boasted the most entrants and was the most consistently featured on the show floor. Among the candidates were fudge brownie nut, buttered pecan, and numerous other hostile creations. Many were surprisingly good, many were not, but all gave me that familiar itch in my throat that assured me I was tasting a true pecan. That being said, Southern Hospitality is delicious and made my esophagus swell up the least, so this ensemble cast of ingredients takes home the gold. For medical reasons, however, this will be the first and last time I judge this category.
The Delsym Cough Syrup Award for "The Ice Cream Which Best Exhibits the Taste of Grape-Flavored Medication" goes to Rum Raisin! One spoonful of this evil concoction, this indescribably putrid substance was enough to make me want to give up living; I had flashbacks of choking down that purple crap when I was sick - oh, lord... I can't even think about it. Moving on...
The Pretty Pineapple Award for "Best Ice Cream Featuring Pineapple in a Supporting Role" - this seemingly small niche in the ice cream world gets a ridiculously disproportionate amount of room in the freezer, and, just as in the battle for the Pecan, this too was hotly contested. However, one ice cream stood a cone above the rest, as no other contestant containing the tropical fruit could stand up to, once again, the might of Southern Hospitality.
The Sure-Bet Sherbet Award for "Best Sherbet" goes to Rainbow Sherbet, because, well, it shouldn't be pineapple.
Finally, the coveted Yoko Ono Award for "Lifetime Achievement in Being Hated" goes to... drumroll, please... pineapple sherbet! Believe it or not, some people gagged down Rum Raisin, but I think the collective might of the hundreds of students who frequent the Café could hardly stomach one gallon of this ridiculous flavor (let alone the two that are customarily offered). Congratulations, your hard work in consistently breaking the hearts of sweet-toothed students desiring real ice cream has finally removed from us all hope for a better tomorrow. Thank you, pineapple sherbet!
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