A foreign language is something everyone should learn; you know, just in case you find yourself stranded in Latin or if you want to graduate or whatever. Heck, some people learn a new language just for the fun of it, like to expand their horizons or something (these people are called nerds). Anyway, here at Asbury most of the classes in this field utilize TellMeMore, an "award-winning language learning software". TellMeMore is a splendid program for anyone looking to learn and use a new language... until you get to the speech recognition activities. The objective of these lessons is to assist users in pronunciation; in theory, this should leave the student with a better understanding of the general flow, sound, and cadence of foreign phrases. In practice, however, the student leaves with intracranial bleeding, homicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem.
I began my first TellMeMore lesson in the computer lab, stationed between two unfortunate students probably working on something very important. After much downloading, installation, and shouting, I was allowed to access the speech "recognition" portions of the lesson. "Thank God", I thought naively, "now that the hard part is over, I can finally begin learning!" The activity started out easy enough: say the ABC's in French. "Ah, bay, say..." Oh, yea, I got this! I'm king of the world - I'm Napoléon Bonaparte, baby! I make my way through the entire lesson with only four or five bits of trouble, and proceed to finish the rest of the assignment with the intention of coming back at the end. I returned first to "E-F-G", apparently an initialism for "Everyone Fails Gruseomely." After dozens of fruitless attempts, I give up and move on to the next set, "H-I-J-K-L". No luck. "T-U-V"? Apparently my hillbilly accent wasn't quite getting through, as the program wasn't even registering that I was saying the right letters. Then, somewhere in my tiny brain, I thought a thought that was so good I almost imploded with thoughtfulness: I was going to turn TellMeMore against itself!
I drew out a blueprint of how everything was going to go down, it was so simple: I would start TellMeMore on an additional computer and open up my current assignment; then I would simply click record on one computer and play on the other. The program would say the words to itself through the other headset and into my microphone. Genius! I cracked my knuckles and readied my things to head back to the dorm; it was all going to be over soon. Wait... what's this? "I don't understand you," you say? How can this be? You're the one saying it! The situation seemed hopeless, but, as Napoléon said, "impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools."
I grew weary over the next few hours; stubble had spread across my manly chin and my eyes were bloodshot. "Tay, eww, vay..." I whimpered into the mic - incorrect. "Why have you forsaken me?" After exhausting all possible French pronunciations, I sarcastically say it in English: "tee, you, vee," and I hear quite an unfamiliar sound. "Correct"? And it works for "E-F-G", too? Oh, somebody pinch me! I get to "H-I-J-K-L" and begin in English, but mess up at the end: "Aitch, eye, jay, kah - ahh, crap." Ding! (Yep, that's right - "crap" is the proper pronunciation of the French "L".) Now it was time for the final boss of the activity: I had to answer an apparently dim-witted Frenchman's question of how to spell "merci". "M-E-R-C-I, merci," I responded with enthusiasm. Alas, my strategy did not work here; it didn't matter if I said it in English, French, or screamed. Other students wanting to shut me up and get me out of the lab pitched in to no avail. I repeated the phrase literally over one hundred times in as many accents as I could think of (Schwarzenegger? Brando? Barney the dinosaur? None of them worked) before I finally heard the blessed ding. And there was much rejoicing. "TellMeMore," the official website claims, "is the most effective way to learn a language." Yea, if you're not driven to suicide by the end of lesson one.
I began my first TellMeMore lesson in the computer lab, stationed between two unfortunate students probably working on something very important. After much downloading, installation, and shouting, I was allowed to access the speech "recognition" portions of the lesson. "Thank God", I thought naively, "now that the hard part is over, I can finally begin learning!" The activity started out easy enough: say the ABC's in French. "Ah, bay, say..." Oh, yea, I got this! I'm king of the world - I'm Napoléon Bonaparte, baby! I make my way through the entire lesson with only four or five bits of trouble, and proceed to finish the rest of the assignment with the intention of coming back at the end. I returned first to "E-F-G", apparently an initialism for "Everyone Fails Gruseomely." After dozens of fruitless attempts, I give up and move on to the next set, "H-I-J-K-L". No luck. "T-U-V"? Apparently my hillbilly accent wasn't quite getting through, as the program wasn't even registering that I was saying the right letters. Then, somewhere in my tiny brain, I thought a thought that was so good I almost imploded with thoughtfulness: I was going to turn TellMeMore against itself!
I drew out a blueprint of how everything was going to go down, it was so simple: I would start TellMeMore on an additional computer and open up my current assignment; then I would simply click record on one computer and play on the other. The program would say the words to itself through the other headset and into my microphone. Genius! I cracked my knuckles and readied my things to head back to the dorm; it was all going to be over soon. Wait... what's this? "I don't understand you," you say? How can this be? You're the one saying it! The situation seemed hopeless, but, as Napoléon said, "impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools."
I grew weary over the next few hours; stubble had spread across my manly chin and my eyes were bloodshot. "Tay, eww, vay..." I whimpered into the mic - incorrect. "Why have you forsaken me?" After exhausting all possible French pronunciations, I sarcastically say it in English: "tee, you, vee," and I hear quite an unfamiliar sound. "Correct"? And it works for "E-F-G", too? Oh, somebody pinch me! I get to "H-I-J-K-L" and begin in English, but mess up at the end: "Aitch, eye, jay, kah - ahh, crap." Ding! (Yep, that's right - "crap" is the proper pronunciation of the French "L".) Now it was time for the final boss of the activity: I had to answer an apparently dim-witted Frenchman's question of how to spell "merci". "M-E-R-C-I, merci," I responded with enthusiasm. Alas, my strategy did not work here; it didn't matter if I said it in English, French, or screamed. Other students wanting to shut me up and get me out of the lab pitched in to no avail. I repeated the phrase literally over one hundred times in as many accents as I could think of (Schwarzenegger? Brando? Barney the dinosaur? None of them worked) before I finally heard the blessed ding. And there was much rejoicing. "TellMeMore," the official website claims, "is the most effective way to learn a language." Yea, if you're not driven to suicide by the end of lesson one.
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