Asphyxiating on glitter: the tale of a parent dragged to a Ke$ha concert

I was in high school when the obnoxious and ubiquitous "TiK ToK" invaded the ear canal of everyone with... well, ears with canals. "This is garbage," I thought. "I am above such nonsense. As a 17-year-old, educated male, I do not endorse such silly music." My first impression was only reinforced the more it was heard. It was instantly antiquicated by silly white girl rap slang and bratty vocals and--for God's sake--she has a dollar sign in her name!

It got to the point to where I would listen to "TiK ToK" for the sole purpose of making fun of it. (This same phenomenon presented itself with Lady Gaga's "Poker Face", as well.) This was not a good course of action, my friends. I began listening to it more and more, in a decreasingly ironic fashion. After weeks and weeks of this masochism, my guard came crumbling down and my mind was opened by this sleazy girl from L.A.

I love you, Ke$ha

My adoration grew exponentially upon the release of "Your Love is My Drug" and "We R Who We R"--two songs that I will unabashedly belt out at any time if you're not careful. I was enamored; so much so that I began talking myself into buying concert tickets to see her in Columbus. Then I saw that she tweeted this:

@keshasuxx: I wish I could give every single one of u a tiny truck stop figurine of a dragon.

"Welp, that's it. Ke$ha owns. I'm buying tickets."

Stockings ripped all up the sides, too

This was my very first concert, and was it was glorious. There was glitter and lights and dinosaurs and American flags and for some reason there was a guy in a Santa Claus costume who sang at the very end. I don't even know what the heck. It was both exactly what I expected and about a hundred times better.

I wore tights and neon blue short shorts, because if you're going to go to a Ke$ha concert, you have to go all out. Right? But not everyone did. Not surprisingly, I was the self-proclaimed "Best Dressed Male" there, and looked down upon anyone who apparently couldn't even be bothered to put on a little eye-liner--except for the parents.

Lots of parents were dragged to this thing. Like, LOTS. A good 10% of the audience were moms on their BlackBerries, chaperoning their pre-adolescent daughters. I don't think they wanted to be there very much. They're the real stars of the show here. They're the ones who drove hours and hours to watch a girl half their age get paid in solid gold to push a few buttons on a keyboard and sing. They're the ones who, for the love of their child, are listening to a song about literally eating a person alive.

["Cannibal" is an amazing song, but Ke$ha seems like the type of person who would have legitimately tried human liver, which makes it a bit unsettling. It doesn't help that she has tweeted a request for her fans' teeth, with which she would use to make a necklace: "So. What I'm getting at is please send me your teeth. I'm dead serious. I need your teeth."]

Ke$ha: NOT a cannibal

I imagine this is how that beautiful July day went for one of those loving mothers:

[9:30 AM] Dear God, that stupid Keisha concert is today.

[9:32 AM] Hey, honey, time to wake up. Do you... still want to go to the concert tonight? Mommy doesn't feel very good a-... okay, no that's fine. We're going. I was just making sure you still wanted to. It *is* a long drive, though, and I know you don't like long drives--no, no, we're going!

[9:40 AM] Mark? Can you take Brittany to the Keisha concert tonight? No, it's just I really don't want to go. I *know* I said I would, but-... ugh, okay, okay.

[10:02 AM] So, what do you want to do at the state fair? No, the fair is *before* the concert. No, we won't miss Keisha, I promise! Brittany. Listen. We are going to both. They have chickens and pigs and lots of games and stuff. You like petting zoos, right? What do you mean they're too dirty? Have you even SEEN this girl who's gonna be singing?

[10:58 AM] Sweety, I know you want make-up, but how about we put it on you when we get to the fair? If you don't wait, it might rub off.

[11:09 AM] Hold still. No, stop. Hold still. I'm almost done.

[11:11 AM] There we go. You look... well, you look like you just crawled out of a glittery trash bag, but that's what we were going for, right?

[11:42 AM] No, we are not going in McDonald's! Not with you looking like that! I'll go through the drive-thru, okay? You want a Happy Meal?

[12:01 PM] No, I'd rather not listen to Keisha on the way there, sweetie. Why? Well, because... it's like waiting until you're older to start dating--it's better that way. Please don't cry.

[12:58 PM] Look, sweetie! Only 166 more miles til we get there. Are you excited yet? Uh, yea, I'm excited, too, I guess.

[3:03 PM] Brittany, wake up. Could you do Mommy a favor and tell her which exit to get off on? Just hit the "next" button. Thank you.

[3:28 PM] Look! We're here! Yaaaaay. Now let's go see some pigs! Want a deep-fried Oreo? Me, too!

[3:50 PM] This is the biggest pig I have ever seen. Oh, Brittany! Be careful around those--Oh my gosh! BRITTANY!

[4:12 PM] Hey, Mark. Yea, we got here a little while ago. Well, um, I'm calling because Brittany was just kicked by a goat. No, no, no, she's fine. EMTs came and checked her out and I think she just had the wind knocked out of her. Well, she said that some glitter got in her eye and she tripped onto it or something. No, I'm serious.

[4:42 PM] Brit, you can't seriously be wanting me to put more make-up on you. No, I'm not gonna do it. No.

[4:53 PM] Hold still. No, stop. Hold still. I'm almost done.

[5:21 PM] Mommy's going to get another Oreo and then we'll go get our seats, okay? Wait, Brittany, turn around, is that a donut burger? It is, isn't it?

[5:23 PM] Sooo good.

[5:32 PM] Let's see... Section L... 22 and 23... here we go!

[6:07 PM] Wait, this starts at seven? Brit, come with me. I'm getting something else to eat.

[7:04 PM] Look, Brittany, it's Keisha! Ooh, you're right. This is a warm-up band, then? And that's a boy? Not Keisha? A boy?

[7:05 PM] Kill me.

[7:06 PM] Brit, did you see if they sold Mommy-Drinks in the concession stand? They did? Okay, come with me.

[7:11 PM] That's better. Brit, did you want to get a t-shirt or something while we're up?

[7:12 PM] Thirty-five dollars for a shirt. Thirty. Five. Dollars. THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS.

[7:14 PM] Twenty, thirty, thirty-five. There ya go. Thank you. Well, Brittany, you got your first concert t-shirt. It's pretty, huh? I like how Keisha looks just like The Joker. That's cool.

[8:02 PM] So, that's definitely her, right? It is? Whoa, wait, I've been calling her the wrong name this whole time? And she has a dollar sign in her name? You've got to be kidding me.

[8:07 PM] Okay, that was kind of awesome.

[8:20 PM] You having fun yet, Brittany? Yea, me, too.

[8:44 PM] Did I hear that right? Is she singing about cannibalism? Is she--... IS SHE EATING A HUMAN HEART. This is amazing...

[9:04 PM] Ooh! I know this song! "I wake up every morning feeling like Puff Diddy--grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna go to the city."

[9:10 PM] Kesha! Kesha! Kesha! Kesha!

[9:12 PM] It's so good to see young, influential artists professing their faith by wearing Jesus necklaces.

[9:16 PM] Heh, look at this idiot beside of us. Wait, that's a boy, and not some weird lesbian? Hahaha! I gotta get a picture of this!

[9:17 PM] To: Mark Johnson
Subject: "guy at kesha concert LOL!"
Attachments: