Super Bowl Sunday is far and away my favorite holiday. It’s the only time of year when sitting on your couch for three straight hours and eating a continuous stream of wings is not only condoned but encouraged! It is truly a day for a man’s man, and the third most “American” holiday—trailing only the Fourth of July and days on which they bring back the McRib. In case you were not one of the 111 million viewers, I am here to recap the night and hand out the much coveted Golden Goodell Awards for the best and worst moments of the program.
The award for “Most Valuable Plate” undoubtedly goes to the chicken wings which kept us fueled through the grueling, several-hour-long process of celebrating the holiest Sunday of the year. My urine was pure, concentrated honey BBQ sauce by the end of the third quarter. Like I always say, a Super Bowl without good wings is like an analogy without a… thing.
The award for “Best Halftime Show” goes to McKinley High School’s performance of Thriller in full (and realistic) zombie make-up. Vocals, lighting, everything was amazing; the only letdown was that the promised human cannon did not propel a cheerleader across the football field and into a flimsy net.
Which leads to my first de-ward: The Black Eyed Peas for “Worst Halftime Show.” Even as someone who is embarrassed just to sing alone in the shower (especially with someone else there), I still feel entitled to say that Fergie’s unaltered voice (hereby referred to as Froggy—because that’s what she sounded like) made me want to kill myself.
The show, brought to you by the element neon, was fifteen minutes of microphone malfunctions—which, though better than those of the wardrobe variety, are not nearly as interesting—and yelling about having a good time, which I wasn’t.
The second is for “Most Offensive Commercial,” which goes to American Idol and its new leathery judge, Steven Tyler. (You probably thought I was going to choose the one that made fun of Tibetans and how impoverished they are, didn’t you? Wrong. That was hilarious.) FOX chose to advertise its flagship program with a montage of the former Aerosmith singer, in what at first seemed to be an anti-cosmetic surgery PSA.
In a short thirty seconds, I lost both my mind and appetite.
The award for “Most American Performance of the National Anthem” goes to Snooki-impersonator Christina Aguilera and her much publicized liberties with the National Anthem, changing the words and such. But who really knows all the words to it anyways? I say God bless you, Christina, for making the song your own and outshining Froggy.
[Side note: there are things called “prop bets” for the Super Bowl, on which one can gamble their hard-earned money away on silly wagers. Examples include “The color of Gatorade poured on the winning coach”; “the number of times Brett Favre is mentioned”; and, my own personal favorite, “Christina Aguilera will hold the word ‘brave’ for more than six seconds.” She held it for twelve. I timed it. She was likely inspired by the reading of—I kid you not—the full Declaration of Independence, in all its glory, prior to kickoff.]
Lastly, and leastly, the award for “Best Football Team” goes to the Greenburgh Packers, as they won a tightly contested match against the Pittsben Stillers wherein many points were scored and downs touched. But nobody really cares about that.
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